The Things I Should Have Said

by Sheri @ Purposeful Habits
42 comments

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The Things I Should Have Said Keep Playing Over And Over In My Mind…..

 

Like any other day, I was looking through one of my social media accounts online, and there it was, in black and white. RIP…….!  The phrase turns itself over and over in my mind.  On social media? I was gripped by disbelief. I had missed on so many opportunities to say how I felt. There were so many things I should have said or done.

This couldn’t possibly be true could it? Jesus Christ! My heart sank whilst the tears welled up in my eyes. I had just spoken to him a few days earlier. Who in the world would go as far as posting a sick joke like this online??? I could hardly breathe.

I called his cell phone – mailbox. Tried the house phone. No answer. Sent a message. No response.

Called a mutual friend. There I had it. The confirmation. He was gone. 

There were so many questions. How did it happen? Where was he? Who was with him? Should I call his mother? What do I say? No words could soothe a mother who had just lost her only child.

Many people have come and gone, and there are several people I had wished I had said things do before we either drifted apart, lost touch, or parted by death. There are three people I am thinking about right now whose deaths touched me in different yet very impacting ways.

The first, a colleague whom I don’t want to write about for several reasons. protection of privacy, we were friendly but not close and I feel other people in her life that would do her better justice if they were to write about her.

Second – my mom. I am not writing about her since I have a ton of unresolved feelings for me surrounding her death.

Though she passed away in 2001, I still feel as though I have never really mourned the loss of losing my mother at 18, I have not grieved over her death in a healthy way.

Yet being frank and honest – I am not ready to go into feelings I have buried deep inside me since she passed. It is still too painful.

 

'Pain is a teacher, therefore we must live with intention.'Click To Tweet

So here, I write about a friend of mine I knew for almost sixteen years. When you lose a friend you have known for that long, just over half of your life, it puts the friendship into a different perspective.

I also choose not to name him though I will refer to him affectionately in this post as Seal. Those of you who knew us may decipher why.

Seal and I met in high school. The first thing I noticed and really liked about him, well there were actually two things – his simplicity and his love for people.

He was always open and friendly, willing to give everyone a chance. He LOVED life and music. You either understood him or you didn’t. Never had a harsh word to say about anyone, only ever wanted to be free to live his life the way he saw fit.

A month from now will mark the third anniversary of his passing; I sit here pondering the things I should have said. Not once did I think he would leave us so early. Not him.

Many friends will drift apart because of the circumstances that affect their lives. People’s interests change. They get married, have families, work other jobs, relocate. Keeping in touch can become more difficult.

This is normal and happens to all of us at some stage in life. The key is to grow apart on a positive note.

the things i should have said friends drifting apart

There are so many things I should have said. Many times, I wish I had done things differently. The list is endless, and it is a constant back and forth. 

We believe what we don’t do or say today, we can do tomorrow, or next week. But is that really the case?

We are guaranteed nothing. Loss is survivable and you live through it, you start to get used to it.

The possibility that any conversation with someone you love or care about could be your last is horrifying. Knowing there will be things you can never say.

There are many things you can do each day to not only make someone feel better about themselves, but to show that that you care.

You don’t want to ever sit back thinking; “there are so many things I should have said.”  Say them now, say them everyday.

Appreciate your loved ones while you can as none of us know how much time we actually have left.

Goodbye dear friend. I will miss you always. 

Like a bird singing in the rain, let grateful memories survive in time of sorrow. - R L StevensonClick To Tweet

Have you gone through a similar experience? Are there things you wished you could still say?

If it’s not too painful, please share your experiences in the comments section below.

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42 comments

Judson L Moore October 5, 2016 - 15:34

Wow. It is super moving to hear your story. Thank you for being so open. I recently lost a super important person in my life as well. It is even the person who not only inspired the name of my own blog, but through her I learned at a young age to live my “what if.” She passed at a ripe old age having lived a life more full than most can fathom, so that made it easier, but still not easy. However, I had the benefit of the last two times I saw her I was both able to tell her I love her, and to know in my own mind that that moment might be the last time I saw her. Eventually, I would be right in that thought, and I am glad that I cherished the last moments I spent with her in that mindset. These things are dreadfully difficult, but we do work through it, and we take the inspiration in death as we do in life.

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Shane October 3, 2016 - 09:50

So sorry to hear of your pain. It hurts to be reminded when loved ones pass on birthdays and anniversaries but helps knowing you had that special person in your life for even a short time. Stay strong!

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Blair Villanueva October 3, 2016 - 08:45

My apology for your lost, but don’t be sad because he knows what you feel now. Be happy and think of those happy memories, coz he still lives in your heart.

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Laveena Sengar October 3, 2016 - 08:31

I. Sending a virtual hug all the way to you. It takes a lot of courage to stand up on your own. Losing someone you love is the most difficult thing you have to get over with. Stay strong sweetie. Lots of love ❤

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Indrani October 2, 2016 - 21:46

First of all so sorry for your loss!
I wish you the strength to get over and console the family members. I was suddenly remembering my own losses through this life and realized so much is buried inside.

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iamsuanlee October 2, 2016 - 19:08

Sorry for your loss, hoping that overtime this is something that will eventually heal. Your post really highlights the importance of enjoying your time with people and saying what you need to say to people.It’s important in life to remember that not everything is guaranteed and it’s important not to get caught up in negativity, but to do your bit and have no regrets. Take care!

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verushka143 September 29, 2016 - 14:13

Sending you love and light to get through everything. Losing a parent is one of life’s hardest lessons.My Dad passed away 5years ago on New Years morning it does not get easier and like you I have not really mourned him.

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Sheri @ A Busy Bees Life October 1, 2016 - 08:20

Thank you for your kind words Verushka. It does not get easier, but the pain does lessen. I am so sorry for your loss and wishing you strength to go through the mourning process and then savouring the good memories.

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Thuymi @ AdventureFaktory.com September 29, 2016 - 03:39

This is terrible, opening social and learning the bad news through people that mentions it… worse way to learn about this terrible news… I am sorry for your loss 🙁

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Rhoda Fajardo April 21, 2016 - 12:54

My brother died 6 years ago and I can’t explain the excruciating pain. I understand what it’s like to regret not doing the things we could’ve done or saying the things we could’ve said to our departed loved ones while they were still alive.

I also get you with grieving for the death of someone we’re not close with. Whenever I see other people in pain, I get affected easily coz I know the feeling of losing someone. =(

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Sheri - A Busy Bees Life April 21, 2016 - 18:15

Hi Rhoda – I am so sorry and sad to hear about the loss of your brother. Losing a friend is one thing, but losing a sibling is something I cannot possibly imagine. It is a tough experience you must be going through and we always believe our loved ones are safe and close to us, but since we never know when our last day will be, we need to try and say as much as we possibly can when we still have the time. Please accept my deepest sympathy for your loss. The pain may not go away but it will definitely get easier. I can only offer you the advice of holding on strongly to the good memories you had with him. xoxoxo S.

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ASKSonnie April 18, 2016 - 16:16

I’m a little reserved, and not a showy or wordy person. And this reality struck me hard when I lost my mother a few years ago. So many things I wanted to say that I failed to say, things that I planned to do that did not happen.

Whenever I think of her, I missed her. And regret not loosening up a bit, to just be a little boy again to my mom.

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Maaya Legaspi April 18, 2016 - 03:08

I havent experienced it yet but when i do i hope i am prepared and wouldnt regret things. There are times when we just wanted to say things but left it unspoken and it just haunt us for the rest of our lives when the person is gone. As what my psychology teacher told me, the death of a loved one is the most painful feeling we can get. I hope you to be strong and trust that your friend is somewhere watching you over.

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Karla | karlaroundtheworld April 17, 2016 - 17:24

I am sorry for your loss. This is really sad but its true pain is a teacher. It teaches us that life is short and that we need to make the most out of it now.

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yogoandcream April 17, 2016 - 15:32

I could relate to this. I had a friend and she was reaching out to me in social media. Little did I know that after her post, the next morning she will be gone. I also couldn’t believe it. And I couldn’t help but ask the same questions. I totally agree with you that we should “Appreciate your loved ones while you can as none of us know how much time we actually have left.”

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Sheri - A Busy Bees Life April 17, 2016 - 19:09

What a tough pill to swallow. The end often seems so abrupt so we need to make the best use of our time here.

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Kat April 17, 2016 - 14:56

I’m sad to hear about this. 🙁 I guess everybody can learn a lesson from this, that is to say, living life to the fullest, every single day. Let’s tell the people we love that we love them, try to resolve conflicts, and so on and on. It’s been said a lot of times but it doesn’t really hit us hard until someone we know passes away – life is short, let’s make the most of it.

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Sheri - A Busy Bees Life April 17, 2016 - 19:08

Yes Kat, as much as we may like to tell everyone we love on a daily basis how much we love them or miss them, we dont seem to be able to get around to doing so, especially with those who do not live in close proximity to us. It is not an easy task, but if at least the last conversation you had with a person ended on a good and positive note, then that may ease a little of the pain should anything happen.

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R U S S April 17, 2016 - 13:48

I’m sorry to hear about what happened. I’ve lost friends myself – some have passed on & others, well, we drifted apart. I actually drifted apart with a group when a former boyfriend ( of 1/3 of my life ) and I separated. My friends did this break up by association. Apart from feeling betrayed, it was painful because the reality that we’re no longer part of each others’ lives was there. And then recently, one of them passed away. He has been good to me and I will always have the fondest memories of him – of course, since we all drifted apart, I never and will never get the chance to speak to him or tell him that I value his friendship. Sad. Hopefully we all find the peace of mind and healing that we all need & are looking for.

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Sheri - A Busy Bees Life April 17, 2016 - 19:05

Gosh, I am sorry to hear about this. Although I appreciate you sharing this, it is still a sad story and sad situation. I can imagine the pain you felt or are still feeling. Keep the good memories safe in your heart and remember all the fun and great moments you shared.

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Pie Tan April 17, 2016 - 12:49

Just last week, a friend of mine from elementary passed away due to cardiac arest at the age of 26. I can’t even remember when was the last time I saw or talked with him. I suddenly realized how short life is, reason why we have to get in touch with people whom we have shared great memories but have almost forgotten even just to say hi.

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Sheri - A Busy Bees Life April 17, 2016 - 19:02

Pie Tan – I am sorry to hear about the passing of your elementary school friend. To know someone for a long time, even when you do not see them for a while, it can still hurt very much to hear of their passing. Life is short and we need to make it the best we can.

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DavidTofie April 17, 2016 - 11:30

Never been through similar experience before. This was emotional and amazing post. I really try no to think and about past but sometimes it affects me and all of us. This made me thinking to really live in the moment and do/say what you want to say. Thanks a lot for this post, I loved it so much.

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Sheri - A Busy Bees Life April 17, 2016 - 19:00

I appreciate your feedback David. I agree with you that we need to remember to live in the moment because we never can know when our last moments can or will be. I am glad Soyuz enjoyed the post, thank you for reading.

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ROBERT LEE April 17, 2016 - 11:08

It’s usually like that, we realize there are things we could have done or said, but it is too late. I wish your friend well and trust he is in a better place.

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Klaudia March 12, 2016 - 20:48

Happened to me once , I was actually around when my friend slowly passed away . It was just a matter of time , we knew that . And I still couldn’t handle the situation …always avoid to speak about her fears and all . She has finally died in a hospiz , with me on the phone the minute she passed away . And I still didn’t know what to say …. that has never ( and WILL never ) happened to me again . Still now , after almost 25 years I feel so sorry for not having the guts …. a very touching post Sheri , again I feel that ‘lump in my throat’

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Sheri - A Busy Bees Life March 12, 2016 - 22:35

I am so sad and sorry to hear about your experience Klaudia. These things stick with us for a long time if not forever. We just have to remain strong and try to process it as best we can. Thank you so much for sharing your story here. 🙂

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AnnaRosenblumPalmer March 9, 2016 - 18:23

This is sad and gorgeous. There is so much to say and so much left unsaid. My father died 16 years ago and I am still processing it. Wishing you love and luck to work through your mothers passing. RIP seal.

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Sheri - A Busy Bees Life March 9, 2016 - 20:33

Thank you Anna, it is a process. My mum passed away in 2001 and I am also still processing it. One would think by now we would have processed it but it is something that never goes away. It gets easier to deal with and you get used to the loss as well as the person not being there, but I believe it is something you can get through but not get over. xoxox S.

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Inherent Voice www.inherentvoice.com March 6, 2016 - 22:06

Great piece. I am sure everyone can relate. I know I can,

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TERRIfic Words March 4, 2016 - 00:53

This was so touching. Your transparency is truly appreciated. I remember being deeply troubled by the death of a girl I went to high school with. The funny thing is, we were never friends, but for some reason I mourned her death for a while and couldn’t figure out why. It finally occurred to me that she was someone I always wanted to get to know but never had the courage to do so. I realized that even though we were never friends there were so many things that went left unsaid to someone who could have turned out to be a good friend. After that death, I try to make it point to tell even the people I don’t know well what I like about them or why I admire them.

I hope you find a way to deal with your loss.

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Sheri - A Busy Bees Life March 4, 2016 - 12:47

Thank you for sharing Terri. I can relate to what you are saying about mourning the death of someone you were not friends with. I have also had an experience similar to that and could not figure out why this persons death hit me so hard. You know, I keep saying to myself that I will try my possible best to always let people know what good I see in them, but for some reason I tend to hold back. Actions speak louder than words, yes, however, I feel that saying something might make the person happier, more confident, feel loved. My fear of showing too many emotions or vulnerability constantly stands in my way. Have I been programmed to be ashamed of my emotions?

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Joce@ohdeardeerblog March 3, 2016 - 17:44

I have been thinking a lot about this lately myself, how if we don’t say what we want we may loose our chance. In a yoga teacher training program I participated in last year one of our assignments was to write a letter to a person we have difficulties with (but it could also apply to a person who we don’t have difficulties with) and say all the positive things we would want them to hear (and then either mail it, or not. And it doesn’t have to be someone who is still with us). I also truly relate to how things shift and change in relationships with friends as time goes on. I really liked how you said about growing apart on a positive note, something I am trying to figure out. I am truly sorry to hear about your loss and thankful for your honestly in sharing your thoughts and emotions. I really think sharing our struggles is the best way to feel less alone in them.

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A Busy Bees Life March 3, 2016 - 19:50

Hi Jocelyn – Thank you for this feedback. The letter from your yoga training sounds like a positive way forward in the healing process, by way of sharing your thoughts and putting them down on paper. Even if you don’t end up sending the letter, just by writing it, you can release some of the emotions. Writing has really helped me in thinking about things I have gone through, while trying to be positive and healing from the negative stuff. It feels scary sometimes when you think you are pouring your heart out to the world and making yourself vulnerable. Responses like your give me the courage and motivation to continue. Thank you so much.

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Khalilah March 3, 2016 - 17:11

Thank you for your transparency! Sending love and light your way!

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A Busy Bees Life March 3, 2016 - 19:45

Thank you Khalilah for your kind words. xoxo

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Mei March 2, 2016 - 19:39

I clicked the title of the post and woke up on a page I wouldn’t have expected. Yes, this post makes you think of a lot of things. Unfortunately, soothing someone for the loss of another is really difficult and all I can find myself to say is: I’m really sorry that such a thing happened and that I hope things are better now… Be strong…

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A Busy Bees Life March 2, 2016 - 20:30

Thank you Mei. It is not an easy thing to go through, unfortunately it is part of life and we will all be affected in some way by the passing of a loved one. We can only hope to deal with it in the best way possible. Thank you for your kind words.

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Mei March 2, 2016 - 20:35

Yes, that’s true…, unfortunately. (Now all I can do is send a virtual hug your way. *Hugs* Stay strong. ;-;)

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A Busy Bees Life March 2, 2016 - 20:51

Thanks Mei. Hugging you back from Austria xoxoxo

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Mercy Balami February 23, 2016 - 15:35

Awww i understand how you definately feel thats the more reason why we have to love people as much as we can forgetting if they love us back we never can tell or predict when we will say our last good byes so we should always inspire everyone we come across and make them see the best in life, we are not just writers but inspirational writers so let our inspirations go around the world . Sorry for you loose dear may their gentle souls rest in perfect peace remain strong and hold on closely to God.

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A Busy Bees Life February 23, 2016 - 17:32

Thank you so much. We learn and grow from experiences.

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